Acel ruminates

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Have
you experienced of wanting to do something but instead, you brush it
off on your head because you’re afraid that it might be because of
pride that you want to do it?… sometimes I get confuse…. Pride is
subtle… and I don’t want to be caught by it’s trap… but where is
the thin line of just doing something because it’s your right? and not
really because it’s pride?…..
but the question is, do I really have a right?

I was talking to my husband yesterday, and I don’t know why I felt like
choking because I wanted to cry… and I don’t understand why I feel
sad about it…I told him how I feel, and I’m so glad that he
understood what I’ve been going through…. he said… that what i’m
feeling is like this man who is building a house, but he asked some of
his friends to help him build the house, but at the end of the day,
even if his friends made the house really really nice, the house is
still owned by the man and not necessarily by his friends.

I cried a little and tried to understand, what’s happening. Danny said
that what is important is that i’m secure of who I am, and not base my
identity of what I do or who I’m with…..but I ask myself, when will i
get the credit?..after all the work, strength, energy, time and
creating something new has been exhausted, when will I get the credit?
.It’s tiring to start again, and it’s scary to think that it will end
the same way like before…… but then, I stop and ask again, who is
it for anyway, why am I doing what I’m doing? Does it really matter to
get a credit of what we do?…. and I remembered…. it’s not about
me… it’s not about me…

Emotions can get you unfocused. It’s like a mist that blocks your
vision so you can’t see clearly… Oh Lord, help me to focus on you.